Oh My God, Yall, #1!

So, we here at the McCoy McBlog realize that a list of "12 Things Colt McCoy should do to become more famous" is about as dated as, well, as when Colt was not famous. Since the blog started, Colt has not only become a Heisman candidate and saviour to the State of Texas, he is an international sex symbol. And that's something we here at the McBlog would like to take some credit in. You guys and your "Colt McCoy Shirtless" searches. Yeah, we know about them. And we know exactly where they lead...

But in the interest of completing this thing and moving on, here is the #1 thing Colt can do in 2008... um... 2009 to become famous (short of winning the Heisman and National Championships)...


Adoption.

It may sound crazy but the #1 thing Colt needs to do to gain fame in '08 is adopt children from a 3rd world country. Think about it.

What other easy way is there to take up an entire week's news cycle and make the talk show circuit? Once the news gets old, Colt can do an exclusive interview and let cameras follow him around as he balances his new role as father with his old role of quarterback. And once that has worn off, the kid's gonna have a birthday party. And one heck of a birthday party it will be! Free Bevo rides for everyone!

And if things get a little tough, something tells me the Jolie-Pitts would be willing to help out. And while we're at it, why not suggest that they take in a new kid of their own? We mean Colt. We're not trying to pawn off anymore 3rd world kids on them.

Sure Colt's a little older than the usual age of Brangelina brats but he is from Texas, and in some places that is considered a third world country.



It's a new year (ish) and the McBlog is McBack!

It's Still Coming...

We haven't forgotten about the McBlog! We're working nights and weekends to make sure #1 is worthy of #12. In the meantime, I have uncovered a treasure that is sure to tide you over. What if I told you I found a commercial... starring Colt... in high school... wearing a letter jacket... and acting...

Watch and swoon!

These are the kind of things you find at 12:30 in the morning when you can't sleep and the Vicoden is waring off...

It's Coming...

Just letting all of you in the McBlogosphere know that we have not forgotten about you. In fact the delay has been because we are thinking of you. We've been busy pounding out something more than exciting for the #1 on our countdown. It's so amazing and insane that we had to actually put our legal team to work. Yes, for the things we've posted about Colt, we are lawyered up. Well about as lawyered up as you can be with a team of 6 law students.
So sit tight, get out your giant foam Hook 'Em hands and get ready for the #1.

#2

#2 - Be in a Milk ad.

Yes we understand you're in college football and you blah blah can't without blah blah breaking rules. Well that's the advantage of being a senior this year. You can play one more blah blah season of football and then go out with a bang with a nice "got milk?" grin. Why? Because you're Colt McCoy. You friggin' love milk. Milk saved the Baby Jesus. We all know so.
This would mean keeping the photo shoot under wraps. It would have to be done on one of your days off and then kept hidden until after your last game. Oh and the milk people will have to post date your check. Come on Colt, hide your tracks. This would only be a problem if you actually intend on winning the Heisman, i.e. Reggie Bush. But winning a Heisman would mean *cough* no interceptions *cough*.
Of course you can't do just any milk ad. You have to reinvent yourself. (Re)introduce yourself to the world as a post-football playing celebrity. The sky is the limit once football's over. Unless of course you want to continue playing football...which we totally blah blah support...but...come on....11 suggestions in and you still think football's the way to keep your face on TV?
We were thinking:

#3

Run for office.

Yes, Barack. The sky's the limit!

It could be that we are just caught up in election year fever. But it seems like politics is the place to be these days to see and be seen, and we think that Colt's down home values will mesh well with the nation as a whole. It's no secret that while they were here in the ATX this past week, Democratic hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both met with Colt. Could it be that they see a little bit of that John Edwards charm emanating from everyone's favorite quarterback? Were they seeking his advice on health care reform? Were they simply pandering to the hometown crowd? We may never know the answers to these questions.

Point is, Colt could do good for our country, and he has the ideas to prove it.

Why reform health care? Simply drink eight glasses a day and you will never need to go to the doctor!

Taxes? Raise the asking price on luxury skyboxes at DKR-Texas Memorial Stadium, while passing on the savings to you, the middle-class season ticket holder!

Gay marriage? A lifetime in the locker room has certainly helped Colt see that there's nothing wrong with a little guy-on-guy action every now and then!

Border security? It's not our neighbors to the south we need to worry about, but those landgrabbers to the north! Yes, build a fence around Oklahoma, and shoot on site the ones trying to cross the Rio Rojo!

Colt McCoy: Change we can believe in!

Now let's not get ahead of ourselves. Colt does not yet have the experience needed to run a country, much less a dynamic offense, so he should simply enter as running mate at this point to either Clinton or Obama. As for McCain? Well, Colt likes to be on winning teams (ouch, sick burn!).

#4

Before we launch into the #4 item, I must provide some framework. First of all, we have taken our time providing this list due to the fact that football season is over and there will be much less Colt news anyway. And secondly, thanks to the Hollywood writer's strike we have been employed with much more lucrative work. Yeah, that's right, we're not scared of being scabs. This is a right to work state and besides, we've been writing TV episodes under fake names. With that explanation I bring you:

#4 - Go on a TV guest starring blitz
That's right, we've written several episodes of TV shows where Colt could easily make a guest appearance. And no, guest roles don't really rely on actual acting talent, but instead rely on the presence of the guest star. Which means Colt can stumble in drunk, smile for the camera, and stumble off set. Although we did suggest rehab so clean up your act already!
To begin the blitz, we suggest making an easy guest appearance on Friday Night Lights. It's shot in Austin, which means you won't have to travel far, and it's about football, so you understand it.
Synopsis:
Colt guest stars as the school's former quarterback who left town on a scholarship. He returns when he's kicked off his college team for excessive drug use. He hangs out with the high school kids and brings them negative influence.


We follow the FNL episode up with an episode of Ugly Betty. It may be a bit of a stretch considering Colt obviously knows little about fashion but that's why it's perfect for him. Plus, the episode we wrote is over the top hilarious.
Synopsis:
Colt plays a new unstylish assistant at the Mode office who befriends and bewitches Betty. Blinded by love, Betty doesn't realize that Colt is actually a staff writer for the men's magazine upstairs who's infiltrated Mode for an article on how to mistreat women in the fashion industry. By the time Betty makes the realization, Colt has already made Amanda the center of his article and has dug his emotional clutches into her. Betty is torn between stopping Colt from mocking Mode or letting Amanda learn an embarrassing lesson.


Next, we have an episode of Gossip Girl. Which would be perfect in the middle of this blitz because of Colt's rumored feud with Chace Crawford. What better to show the world you love your best frienemy than by guest starring on his hit tv show?
Synopsis:
Serena meets a sexy southern boy (Colt) at a bar and begins an intimate fling. Nate shows restrained jealousy, saying he doesn't trust this new guy. Nate soon finds out that Colt actually runs a blog on southern social scenes and is only using Serena for an article on the differences between the southern and upper east elite.
(Cheesy, we know. But no one in the office had actually seen an episode of Gossip Girl and so we just reused the Ugly Betty script...)


And finally, although we do not have any control over this next guest role due to the fact that Disney refused to return our calls and did not accept our offer to write, we suggest a cameo in the upcoming High School Musical 3. Why? Because it's the hottest thing since sliced bread and it will earn you tons and tons of pre-teen fans. Plus, we at the McBlog have decided to create an adult drinking game for the trilogy and having Colt in the 3rd movie would make it easier for us to hock on this blog.

What would Colt do? We don't know. Dance? Sing chorus? Better start practicing buddy. We heard through the grapevine that you've been skipping Wednesday night dance class at the Union...

#5

#5 - Two words: sex tape.


Come on, you knew this was coming. We're in the top 5 now, so there's no more screwing around, if you'll pardon my pun. More so than any other item on this list so far, sex tapes make overnight media darlings out of their participants, unless your name is Rick Solomon. Paris Hilton wasn't really all that big until her sex tape. Pamela Anderson achieved immortality with hers. Come on, someone out there's gotta have some footage on Colt! Now, just in case his morals get in the way, he could fit a sermon in there or something. Hey, the Christian bookstore sells sex books too! Who should be the other participant? I leave it up to you, the readers of the blog, to decide (yes, all three of you. Don't let us down!).

#6

#6 - Hang out with Matthew McConaughey.
As far as famous Longhorns go, Matthew is it. Seriosuly, no one cares about Michael Dell or Britt Daniel from Spoon. Reneé Zellwegger? Sure but does she command headlines like Matthew? No.
Colt, you're one of the cool kids now. Forget about Vince Young stealing your lunch money a year and a half ago, look at where he is...(not the subject of an amazingly written vanity blog I can tell ya that). Based on recent sightings, you know how to party.
Take a page from the Matthew McConaughey play book and link yourself to as many women as possible. Go to 6th street, climb up the bar skank ladder, wake up with random lingerie tied around the steering wheel of your F-250, go shopping at the Gap shirtless. Then while you're at it, play the bongos naked. Live a little.
Yes, yes, we know Matthew knocked up his sweetheart but hey, he's not the one who's gonna be out of commission for 9 months.
In all honesty, boys night out should not look like this:

But more like:

definitely not like:

but just imagine:

Of course in around 9 months Matthew will be off playing daddy and you'll be busy with football again but you'll always have the memories.

#7

#7 - Star in a "reality" show with Colt Brennan

Seriously, everyone and their dog has a reality show now and everyone who gets on one seems to be popular, albeit in that train wreck sort of way. But come on! Don't tell me you wouldn't watch this show. Texas-born, milk-drinking, Jesus-praying-to Colt McCoy shacked up with California-born, straight-Everclear-drankin', alleged sexual-offending Colt Brennan? If that doesn't sound like a recipe for some fun and sticky situations, I don't know what does. And there would be a pool. I'm just saying.

Example scenario: Colt B brings home a girl. Colt M knows this means trouble cause he knows B's history with girls and knows that they are not married. M confronts B in the kitchen and they get into a verbal fighting match that seems to be the centerpiece of any good reality show. It ends in hugs and tears as B gives his life over to Jesus while the girl helps herself to refreshments at the house bar the producers keep fully stocked. But before long B is back to his old ways. M rolls his eyes.

Or imagine an episode where M goes on a drunken bender and picks up a prostitute and Pony flies in for an intervention. Don't you see? The possibilities are limitless. Starring in a reality show with Colt Brennan would raise Colt McCoy's profile for all the right reasons.

#8

#8 - Go to rehab.

It's the off season right now. It's the perfect time to become famous for being infamous. No one buys the squeaky clean thing. Ditch it. Be the bad boy. That's the way we sell tabloids.
Have a little too much to drink on Wednesday afternoon. Get pulled over by a cop before 10PM. What's one night in jail? It's time to join the wide array of celebs with mug shots.
Stay a little too long at 7-11 while intoxicated on Saturday night. Make them escort you off the premises.
This all may sound a little un-McCoyish and that's fine. In fact, if you're so against it, we can even stage all of these events. All you have to do is pretend to have some sort of addiction. Judging by your affinity to milk, it shouldn't be that big of a stretch. We'll take care of the rest.
We've even picked the perfect place for you to kick your dirty habits. Promises. Yes, Promises. Every celebrity who doesn't really want to get better goes to this rehab. And maybe you'll make some famous friends you can go clubbing with. Not enticed? Well I've got some photos.



Does this look like rehab? We think not.

#9

#9 thing Colt McCoy should do this year to make him more popular:

Cut a single with Timbaland



It's no secret that Timbaland is the music industry's hottest producer. He can take anyone, and I do mean anyone (who the hell is OneRepublic?) and turn them into Top 40 gold! He even rejuvenated Nelly Furtado's career, which is something I'm not sure even Quentin Tarantino could have done! It wouldn't even have to be an entire record, just a song to appear on Timbaland's next collaborations album. People, and by people I mean me, will buy anything with Timbaland's name on it and ensuing that Colt's latest club smash has the kids dancing from Austin to at least the Texas border. However, with recent steroid rumors surrounding Mr. Timbaland, Colt might not want to take any substances the producer is giving out.

And speaking of Nelly Furtado, what if Colt went all out and collaborated with her, Timbaland, and Justin Timberlake? The possibilities are endless!

#10

#10 - Join a wacky religion
Yes, Colt, we all know you love Jesus. Love, love, love, love. And you go to church like what? Once or twice a week? Your preacher is on speed dial in case those thoughts of Pony arise.
But seriously, we're playing the fame game here. Church of Christ ain't cutting it. It's too...blah. You know who else is COC? That woman who lives across the street from me. It's not an exclusive club.
My first suggestion? Scientology.

I know it sounds crazy. Cos it is. But seriously, who else will ensure you rise to a decent level of fame other than the Scientologists? Who else will go to maddening lengths to ensure you have a field of wild flowers to frolic in with your new wife? *cough* Tom Cruise *cough* Who else will ensure your less flattering years are spent aboard a luxury cruiser where lesser brethren are made to bow at your every command?
Sure, should you make it to superstar status you might have to sacrifice your future wife to a Rosemary's Baby type scenario where the sperm of L Ron Hubbard is used to fertilize her eggs. *cough* Katie Holmes *cough*
But seriously, what better hands to be in?
Not convinced? Fine. Then might I suggest Kabbalah? No, not that strenuous version practiced by bookish Jews, I mean Kabbalah Centre. The version practiced by celebrities and flaunted as the hottest fashion accessory of the past few years.

It's totally down with G-O-D. It's not even technically a religion but more of a spiritual device. And hey, the country's moving away from that evangelical George Bush Christianity thing. Religion is scary. Check facebook. We're not "religious" anymore, we're "spiritual". Whatever that means, you get on board Colt McCoy! And this little red string is the ticket. (Did I also mention hottest fashion accessory of the past few years?)

#11

The #11 thing Colt McCoy should do this year to make him more popular:

Get into a fight with Chace Crawford.


It should be obvious to anyone by now that Colt has eyes for Carrie, who as we mentioned is currently linked with the Gossip Girl star. To add insult to injury, Chace is seen here holding a football, practically taunting Colt. "I can throw more touchdowns than you...and I'm dating your secret crush! Now drop and give me 50!"

Celebrity fights always boost you to the top of the gossip pages and the public consciousness, so this seems like a no-brainer for Colt. After the fight (which Colt will totally win cause he plays football and Chace is on a friggin soap opera) Colt can then hook up with Carrie Underwood and people will at least know him as Carrie Underwood's boyfriend. I'm just saying that there was some heavy flirting going on at the Christmas party...

Further reason for a fight: Chace is from Lubbock, and we all know that no good can come from that city.

#12

Now that things have gotten back in order here at McCentral, we've put together a list of 12 things our #12 should do in the '08 to improve his celebrity status. It's come to our attention that Ms. Thang Publicist is not doing her job properly and that outside of our little Texas bubble people are almost completely unaware of Colt McCoy.

So #12 on the list:

Date Carrie Underwood

If you see our last post, Carrie performed at our holiday party. Obviously she's down with the McBloggers. We can make a phone call. What's that you say? But Carrie's currently dating fellow Texan Chase Crawford? Well we're not saying you should break them up...

First Post Of The New Year

We must apologize for not updating during the holidays. It was the holidays for Christ's sake. It also took several days to get the office back to tip top shape. For those of you wondering how the McBlog team celebrated the holidays, I have created a few images. Yes, that filthy striking bastard Fernando continues to not work. We initially hired a high school intern but apparently due to our mougar statuses, he has not returned to work. I tried making peace with Fernando at least for the sake of the holidays but that lying despicable bastard continues to make demands that are simply unfair to the McBlog and that is all I will say about that.
Anyway, we scheduled our big McBash to coincide with the Holiday Bowl. Our amazing party featured performances by Carrie Underwood and the Jonas Brothers.